that is the question at the root of things.
i ask myself, "what do you want?"
no, really - what?
i haven't always answered myself truthfully. i tend to answer with the version that would be easiest, most palatable, least likely to cause upheaval or inconvenience.
despite a fundamentally rebellious nature, i usually do what other people want me to do.
i've been programmed to be Sensible.
but even saying that is an excuse of sorts, isn't it?
i can't do such-and-such because i've been trained in the fine art of martyrdom and sacrifice.
i have an over-developed sense of responsibility.
i'm a Fixer.
i'm fire surrounded by water.
so i go along to get along and that works well, for quite a while, actually. i've been known to delude myself for years at a time.
but then something happens, a switch gets flipped, the wind shifts direction or maybe i just get tired and worn down enough.
that's when everything changes, leaving confusion and bewilderment in its wake.
"out of nowhere"
"didn't see that coming"
"you never said"
"i had no idea"
i've been having nagging back pain -- usually only noticeable when i'm trying to sleep - which doesn't make for very restful sleep. it goes away once i'm up and moving about.
lacking other, more obvious explanations, my chiropractor thinks, because of the location, that it may be transferred pain -- "do you have old grievances, unresolved anger, things that need forgiving?".
i almost laughed out loud when she said that.
how does anyone get to be 45 years old and not have unresolved Somethings?
it made me think, though.
what do i want?
i thought about how i've carried my unvoiced Thoughts with me all this time -- all of that repressed such-and-such, the thoughts/feelings/ideas that weren't Presentable or Appropriate. and how, over the years, the burden of that Unvoiced Stuff grew and grew until it became a Thing of it's own - a Story that i believed was true, even though it isn't.
it can't be true, because it was never mine.
so, what do i want?
and then the awfulness of the British Referendum came crashing down and i was shocked and dismayed and frightened - such a terribly short-sighted decision based on sensationalist media manipulation and hate-mongering.
it feels like the worst of humanity is rising to power.
really, what do i want?
what i want requires me to face down some of that unvoiced Stuff.
it requires me to look long and hard at the stories i've been told and the stories i've been telling myself.
it requires me to do small things, often.
it requires me to hold fast to what i know to be my guiding lights - beauty, story, magic, faith, love - and to never waver.
because when every other doubt and niggling fear, every unwanted bit of narrative, invades my resolve, those things will see me through and give me the strength to carry on.
mostly, though, it requires me to set aside my angst and hand-wringing indecision and get off the pot.
because it isn't just about me anymore.
i think the world is in the shitter, i really do.
things are grim and bleak and truly, most days, i just want to bury my head in a rosebush and not come out.
and i just can't rally to the rainbow-sodden, glitter-spackled cries for love and tolerance because i think, in the end, it's mostly social-media inspired impotence.*
you "like", "share" and then go back to wailing and wringing and navel-gazing in ever-shrinking circles.
i should know. i've done it for long enough.
what needs to be done, the enormity of what needs to be accomplished to course-correct the almighty bollocks that is currently underway, is so incredibly overwhelming that i confess to bouts of hysterical laughter over the idea that maybe i - we - have something to offer as an alternative.
seriously, what in the fuck, people?
but if not us, then who?
so - tell me, beautiful soul....
what do you want?
*what i want requires me to speak my truth, even when it's possibly inflammatory. this is me taking that first small step....;)