reparations, or, a purpose-driven life

img_1321 do you ever suffer from the paralysis of overwhelm?

i do.

sometimes it's just the (perceived) enormity of what i need to accomplish in a day.

i put 'perceived' in brackets because, let's face it, it's really up to me how much i think i need to do.

well, other than the obvious things.

sometimes, though, it's the sheer weight of the world's sorrows.

and it sneaks up on me, usually triggered by a seemingly benign comment that someone makes, or a random thought-trail that starts off innocently enough [oh look! bee!] but then veers into a doom spiral of epic proportions. [omigod all of the bees are dying!!!]

yesterday, for instance, someone was speaking about their gluten intolerance and how when she's in Europe, she can eat the pasta quite happily because it's not made with GMO wheat.

she lost 40lbs and a great deal of discomfort by not imbibing Canadian GMO wheat.

which made me think of what an utter bollocks we've made of things.

and when i say "we", i mean Big Ag.

did you hear that Bayer has acquired Monstanto?

cool, huh? Big Ag gets into bed with Big Pharma.

fucking hell.

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i've been spinning my wheels lately; i feel pulled in so many different directions.

which is hardly a novel sensation for me.

"fart-in-a-windstorm" fairly accurately describes my mental state this past...ohhhh....several years. :)

but then i heard this woman speak on one of my favourite podcasts and i felt a tiny tingle of clarity trilling somewhere [deep] in my subconscious.

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i've felt myself so bombarded with information -- with classes and courses and resources -- that i've sort of lost sight of the horizon...of my horizon.

everyone wants to help me live a fulfilled and purposeful life. which is brilliant and i love the work that these people are doing - but....i think i first need to figure out what's my version of that fulfilled and purposeful life.

it's kind of an important first step, don't you think?

what i gleaned from the podcast is that it's up to me to define my own purpose -- to sort out my Why.

my Why will lead to my version of reparations.

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reparations: The act or process of making amends for a wrong.

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because that's what it feels like to me* - reparations.

the things upon which i focus - beauty, stewardship, consciousness - are my reparations to a world so very damaged by the opposite of those things.

what i needed reminding of is that none of it needs to be on a great scale -- i'm the one who continually tries to convince myself [very erroneously] that everything i do needs to be of huge impact.

although, by virtue of the butterfly effect, my small, daily choices do make a huge impact. ;)

it's like the whole silly notion of being in a great hurry to live more slowly.

because true.

anyway.

that's what i'm noodling over and what will likely spill onto my digital pages in the next while**.

i don't have $70 billion to buy out the Evil Empire, but my roses are hardy and my family ate a 'happy' turkey for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.

it's something.

and something is better than nothing.

~m. xo

 

*the wonderful lady i work for always jokes that i would've made a grand Catholic - because i'm so very burdened,and motivated by, guilt. and she's allowed to say that because she is Catholic.;)

**that's something else of which i'm letting go - trying to make this space into Something Particular. i'm officially allowing it to be a sincere reflection of my inner landscape-- which is to say, a tempest in a teacup.

{podcast episode links: part 1 and part 2}