letting go

because every Discovery session is made better with tea and a Penguin.  

if there's one mistake that i consistently make [and, believe me, there's far more than just one!], it's living too far in the future.

i am, by nature, the most chronically un-present person i know.

except for maybe my mum, who's also constantly managing for imagined future events, despite the fact they haven't happened yet. and may never. :)

[i'm going to go out on a limb and say that's probably where i get it from. in addition to having developed the typical defense mechanisms of an HSP.*]

anyway.

a down-side of being prone to living in an imaginary future reality, is forgetting that it's okay - nay, necessary -to sometimes just let things unfold. and that, with a little patience and a bit of faith, things just might work out for the best.

you know - if only i'd just get out of my own way and pay attention.

a re-run of this much-beloved photo -- it's my desktop wallpaper -- a constant reminder to do just that. breathe.

despite knowing this, intellectually, it's still a hard-fought battle for me.

every. single. time.

i seem perpetually unable to retain the lesson.

irrelevant aside: i'm also perpetually unable to retain the ability to play euchre. i was taught innumerable times and yet was never quite able to grasp it, making me utterly useless in situations requiring someone to make up the numbers for a game. of course, that was back in the olden days when people got together and played cards so, thankfully, no longer a badge of shame.

so imagine my surprise, this last while, when after a period of profound inactivity [read: quaffing vats of tea while binge-reading piles of books and staring moodily out of windows] i found myself gravitating back to my notebooks and noodling about amongst my various scribblings and ideas.

i am, dare i even admit it out loud?**, writing again.

after almost an entire year of false starts and self-recrimination.

oh, it's not quite as straightforward as it sounds -- there were some things that needed to happen in both my inner and outer worlds for me to find myself back in this place.

i've had to face some big-scary acts of letting-go and some gut-wrenching fork-in-the-road choices that i don't think i could've managed a year ago.

it was the mother of all fallow seasons.

time and circumstance; serendipity and synchronicity;  a glorious combination of people and events have all conspired to remind me why i want to write, and so, by association, what i want to write.

turns out, that sort of thing is important if you want a sustainable practice. :)

i'm deeply grateful, and profoundly humbled.

i wish i didn't need reminding -- and maybe i'll catch on quicker next time -- but this world is so very full of the most beautiful magic and it's my fondest wish to repay it in kind.

onwards, then?

~m. xo

*HSP = highly sensitive person

**i very nearly wasn't going to. i quietly admitted it over on W&S - in those first, tentative days when i still wasn't sure if i might flake-out again. but i'm not going to. i can feel it's different this time -- even from when i was writing Sea Bride. this time, it's for all of the right reasons. <3