awake

i saw the first purple aster today. the swallows are gone from the farm; i saw a few lingerers over the soybeans, but they're not far from leaving, i'm sure.

a red-tail took a dive at the hens last evening. i found myself grateful to the stupid turkeys for being stupid enough to hang about and gobble at it; it was enough to make it reconsider although perhaps my shouting and arm-waving gave it pause as well. Emma, the world's most cowardly Jack Russell, barked from the safety of the house.

the topic of another dog - a bigger one - came up and triggered an argument which knocked the scab off old wounds.

anyway.

aerial predators are something over which i have little control. the ravens come-and-go these days, so there's gaps in their territorial patrol.

there've been gaps in my own boundaries too, it seems, but there, at least, i still have some influence.

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it's funny-not-funny how you imagine yourself to be a strong sort of person, only to realize it's not an admirable sort of strength, but instead the sort that has allowed the quiet eroding of your soul.

the very last time i read the tarot for myself, i drew the Tower. it was in regards to a troubled relationship and pointed out the perils of building upon a crumbling foundation.Β  it was a truth that i knew - deep at the core of myself that holds the knowing of such things - but not one i wanted to hear. i have this stubborn knack for ignoring the obvious, believing that everything will be okay,Β  if only i work hard enough.

that was about five years ago.

i've been propping up a doomed thing for so long i don't quite know how else to go on.

but i'll learn.

i'm a strong sort of person, after all.

~m. xo

ps. apologies for the infuriatingly cryptic nature of this post....some stories are not all mine to tell, butΒ  i'm not without emotional investment and it means the world to be able to process such a difficult thing in this space. i realize it's not the best of psychological hygiene, but it wouldn't feel right to carry on regardless. that's been my cycle of behaviour and i really need to stop. so, thank you....