all my friends are heathens*

the winter wheat is down - cut some time late into the night on Monday and the large square bales of straw are all that's left of the golden sea. i had thought about taking a photograph, but was evidently a day late. IMG_0993

i've been thinking a lot about who i am - what i do, what i hold dear, how i want to be.

so, nothing new there.

Accepted Convention wants us to define ourselves in terms of what we do - so, our job, career, the Thing that pays the bills.

then there's the Live Your Dream crowd - most of which, as far as i can tell, follow the same basic template of Accepted Convention but possibly with paint or sequins or some form of coaching designed to make you Live Your Dream...following the same basic template.

business is business and marketing is marketing.

or is it?

a feral hollyhock...growing on gravel, between two stones.

then there's another category --the one into which i think i fall.....and most of my friends, too, for that matter -- that sort of vague, half-place of wanting to participate, feeling like we have something to offer,  and yet not at all happy in the role of 'entrepreneur' and all of the baggage that goes with it.

i've thought, for a long time now, that there must be another way -- that the quiet people of the internets who i've come to know and treasure as dear, dear, friends and who have such wonderful talents and ideas and gifts are being sadly overlooked amid the cacophony of Look-At-Me. the world misses out on what they have to offer simply because they're not willing to sell their souls to a way of being that doesn't sit comfortably in their big, beautiful, expansive, magical hearts.

which is a bit shit, to be honest.

"the world needs your art/music/words/talents," say the Live Your Dream-ers....but you need to do it like This.

"oh, just fuck off with that," say i.

truly.

i mean it.

fuck off.

 

IMG_1009

 

the perverse part of the whole thing -- and this is entirely me attributing it to me and not implying anyone else feels the same way -- is that i rather enjoy being a fringe-dweller.  looking back - i've lurked in corners and shadows most of my life and that's where i feel most at home.

in fact, it's a conscious and concerted effort for me to try and channel sunbeams...because my natural ambience tends toward mist and gloom and the places in dark forests where unsavoury elements flit and dart.

but therein lies a danger of becoming - or being perceived as - yet another affectation of the purposely contrary.

in which general direction i drop another f-bomb.

because i also love flowers and butterflies and the loud buzz of hummingbirds.

it looks like you might be one of us*

 

IMG_0996

 

time and again i find myself throwing up my hands and retreating to a stack of books. which, let's face it, is just as much a method of avoidance as anything else that helps you avoid what you shouldn't be avoiding.

and while i'm doing that, i convince myself that some of us {meaning me} are meant to live strictly conventional lives - in terms of our 'work' - and that self-sustainability isn't for everyone {meaning me}.

and i'm very convincing when i tell myself these things.

but if i believed myself, why do i keep circling back around to the idea?

no idea.

maybe i'm just not ready to let the big mouths win.

maybe i've stood quietly while the shouty people push themselves to the front of the queue long enough to have formed a quiet, seething, dislike of shouty people and all that for which they represent.

maybe it's seeing the shouty people taking frightening degrees of control in the world.

no idea.

so i resort to gazing dreamily at fields of wheat  - only to regret not acting when the thought occurred to me and missing the chance to take a lovely photograph.

which, in a vaguely metaphorical way is prodding me to....

no idea.

i just know i need to do something.

~m. xo

*post title stolen from here....by one of girl-child's fave bands, and her first music concert... :)